Friday, March 11, 2011

This is It?

Last week was spring break! It's been quite a while since I've updated, but the adventures and emotions of my spring break trip to NYC / HVN / BOS provide the perfect opportunity to write again. I have a lot of complicated feelings post-break, and hopefully this will help sort them out.

First of all, spring break was so much fun. I went out to the East Coast with my boyfriend in order to visit some graduate / law schools. We started off in New York City. It was my first time ever in NYC, and we did all the touristy things - Times Square, Top of the Rock, Bus tour of the city, etc. I loved it.

And being in NYC, we walked a lot too. We went shopping on 5th Ave, strolling past several blocks at a time. Of course, I had to take a lot of breaks. But we were even able to walk back to our hotel and relax later on in the day. Once we got to Boston, the walking was even harder. Downtown Boston has sidewalks with a bunch of grates, and I refuse to step on the grates (...) and instead of sidewalks, Cambridge has beautiful red-brick walkways that were laid in the 1800s; they're gorgeous but so uneven and impossible to walk on! Trying to walk around and visit schools was a challenge, as the bricks really tested my strength and coordination. My boyfriend was very patient and would take breaks with me, but it is so discouraging having to sit in the cold every couple of minutes. I was able to do so much on spring break - I even walked ~.5 mile from a metro stop one night! - but since I am getting better, I just want to do everything. To be back to normal, and unfortunately that's not happening.

I loved our vacation, and I am really proud of myself for all that I was able to do. Even with the aches and soreness, I was able to see a lot and I feel like I grew a bit too (especially on the days when I had to navigate the cities by my broken, crippled self). I was brave, and it paid off.

But at the same time, these are places that I want to go and live! How wonderful would it be to live in NYC or Boston (or New Haven..?) and be part of everything that's going on there! I used to dream about going to the East Coast after graduation and getting a job and just being part of everything. I know that those things are not unattainable for me now, but they're harder. Just being there was hard. Seeing people active and walking around - I get so jealous. I used to be like that, I used to be able to do that too. I would kill to be able to walk like that again. But, for the first time in my recovery, it's starting to feel like that's impossible. Like this is it.

It's a miserable feeling, being in a place you're so excited to see and experience, and being so incredibly limited. It makes you feel helpless. I know I should be proud because I was able to walk as much as I did (something that really was impossible only a few months ago), but my leg hurt so much and I took a break every block or so and it was just so discouraging. I want to be able to walk, to be normal. I want to be able to wear high heels and go out like the other girls were at night. To run and catch a metro before it leaves. To go shopping without having to sit down in every store.

Looking at Boston and New York has been a whirlwind of emotions; these are places that I want to go to and to live in. But at the same time, they're so big and I'm still so broken. I know I've come a long way and I should just be proud. The thing that this trip is made me realize the most is that maybe this is permanent. Maybe this is it.

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